Thanks for joining me today! I know that in the world of social media and all of our “go, go, go” lives that taking time to actually read something is tough and I really appreciate all of you who carve some time out for this blog. I hope that it is giving you something in return for your time. I absolutely love the response you all are giving me. It makes me feel like maybe all of this heartache and pain that I have created and experienced is worth it. Maybe, just maybe this is what I am supposed to be doing and that the struggles I have been through and continue to navigate are for good. God is funny that way!
Today I want to talk a little more about the Bipolar diagnosis I got during some of the darkest months of my life and what that actually looked like from my perspective. Let me start by saying that it SUCKED!!! Yep, it was like a baseball bat to the stomach. Let’s set the stage a little bit.
So, I am in the middle of the crappiest time of my life. I had cheated on my wife, my business was failing, to say the least, I was distant and cold to my kids, my wife was depressed and pulled away, I was drinking heavily to numb the shame and guilt, and I was physically in the worst shape of my life! Pretty sweet situation huh? Ruth and I were working desperately hard to figure out what the hell was going on and how to fix all of this and I had turned to counseling to help. After a while, my counselor asked me to talk to an actual psychiatrist and see if maybe there are some bigger problems that we need to address, things that medication might help with. I was so desperate to fix “me” that I was excited to see if there was anything I could just take to get my head straightened out.
I made the appointment and sat and answered his questions truthfully. Questions like “Have you ever considered suicide?” Yep. “Do you always feel down and depressed?” Nope. They continued for quite a while and I don’t remember them all but they were hard to answer because it required that I look deep into my real feelings and stare straight at them and they weren’t pretty. It was like a sick and twisted roller coaster. One day I would be seriously considering how I could exit this world and leave my family better off than with me in it. Then within hours, I would be on top of the world after I had a good encounter with a customer or an amazing dirt bike ride. Then a reminder of the wake of pain I had created would rear its head and I would plummet back down into the depths of depression and self-loathing. After our Q and A session, the Doc looked at me and said that he felt like I was bipolar and that he wanted me to take lithium to even me out.
Initially, I just nodded my head and walked out of the office. I didn’t really know what that meant and I didn’t really care to be honest. I just wanted to be “right” in the head. But as I began to think about it more, images of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” began to flutter through my mind. Thoughts of being dumbed down and blank-faced were haunting me. I began to do some research online and I started to panic. Was I going to end up a zombie, just going through the motions and not really experiencing my life? I talked with Ruth and my counselor about it and I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea. Of course, people smarter than me explained that I wouldn’t be some “walking dead” motorcycle mechanic and that was all just some crazy belief that Hollywood used for sensationalism. But I just didn’t like the idea of needing medicine to fix my problem. Surely there was another way! Surely I could handle this on my own!!
Ok, I know we are all busy and need to get back to work so I am going to leave it here for now. Thanks again for reading along with me and sharing my story with your friends and family. Speaking of that, if you know anyone who might need to hear this story, please share it. Life is such a bitch sometimes and knowing that someone else struggles can be such a help. You can share it on your socials or just copy and paste the URL into an email. I want to spread truth and love instead of fake and hate in this world and this is my way of doing it. I hope you all have a wonderful day and again if you need to reach out, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or shoot me a text at 970-275-2261. I love talking about what a mess I am!
Today I am grateful for a comfy bed, cool Colorado mornings and my bible app!
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