My Very Personal Thoughts On Suicide
It seems that high profile suicide is becoming more and more prevalent. With the loss of Anthony Bourdain recently I decided that I would spend a post on my thoughts on this horrific, taboo topic. We only talk about it when someone famous dies or someone we know closely ends their life prematurely. It is more than understandable that we wouldn’t want to discuss this terrible topic but I think we need to. I think that it needs to be brought to the light of day and acknowledged for how prevalent a thought it really is. I am coming to you today to talk about suicide as a person who has come dangerously close to making this terrible decision. I can remember distinct times in my life when I was sure that killing myself was the best option for my life and the lives of the people who knew me.
When I was in my darkest hours I, at my absolute rock-bottom, I made the decision that my life was unimportant and that everyone I knew would be better off without me. Reading this, if you haven’t experienced these feelings, you are most likely saying to yourself, “Morgan, you’re an idiot!” “You have kids, a wife, friends, what could be so bad?” “How could you have been so selfish?” Yep, those are all the truth and all things I have said to myself when hearing about someone taking their own life but I am here to tell you that it doesn’t freaking work like that. Of course, a rational person sees the situation like that. Of course, if you are mentally healthy you would never do such a thing but the reality is that it is unnervingly easy to slip into such a deep dark place that you AREN’T healthy, you CAN’T think straight and you DON’T see things clearly. I can honestly say that at those moments in my life, no amount of THINKING about it was going to help. A pep talk wasn’t going to shake me out of it.
I had made a series of decisions that had plunged me into a well of self loathing, debt and physical deterioration. The decent had come slowly and as a favorite line from a song says “It’s funny how falling feels like flying… for a little while.” As I impacted the bottom, my reality was so clouded and far away that I could not see the meager yet strong rope ladder of salvation in front of me. I couldn’t understand that one rung at a time, I could climb out of this pit. As far as I was concerned, I needed to just disappear and rid the world of my presence. I stormed out of the house to do just that one night and thankfully something stopped me. I can only describe it as the hand of God. Logic didn’t save me, thoughtfulness didn’t rescue me! I was so far beyond those wonderful conventions that sane people enjoy that no amount of “considering the reality of the situation” was going to pull me back from the literal and figurative edge. But as I drove I felt something pulling at me, something begging me not to do what I was thinking of doing. Something much much bigger and more powerful than myself or any of my thoughts. I felt my self breaking down and then I began to cry, sob really. All of a sudden a feeling of love that I hadn’t let in before, rushed over me and convinced me to turn around and go home. Go home Morgan, go home and look for that first rung of the ladder and grab ahold of it. And after you find it, reach for the next one and the next one! And, thankfully that is what I did.
I didn’t understand all of those feelings at the time and I couldn’t have put into words what happened that night but I can now and I know 100% that God turned me around and brought reality back into my life. Why doesn’t He do that with everyone? I don’t know! I wish I did and I wish I had an answer that would make everything better for everyone who has suffered a loss of this kind. I wish that God would just make everything better for everyone but that just isn’t how this world works. I can say that I believe that you MUST have something bigger to live for than yourself if you are going to escape the deep dark depression that some of us experience. I don’t believe that we can just “be tougher” all by our selves. I do think that we can put our trust and faith in God and then work really hard to climb out of the holes some of us end up in. It isn’t an easy climb out, I can tell you that for sure. I am still climbing, a little every day and some days I slip a few rungs back down but I am never falling to the bottom again dammit!
If you or someone you know has bouts of depression that get ugly, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call me. That’s right, I am giving you my cell phone number because I don’t want you to be all alone. When you are struggling, alone is the last place you need to be. 970-275-2261. You can call or text. I am not a counselor but I will talk and listen. If you want to email me you can at email@example.com. I can’t fix your problem but I can commiserate and share my own struggles and strategies for overcoming those feelings. If talking to some dimwit who runs a motorcycle shop doesn’t sound like a lot of help, please call the national suicide prevention center at 1-800-273-8255! Share this story with anyone you know who has struggled or does struggle with depression. Let them know they are not alone in the battle. Maybe, just maybe this little story could be their first rung of the ladder out!
And this is an amazing verse to hold onto if you are battling for your life right now. Psalms 34:17-18 “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed!”
Here are some links to my other posts about how deeply screwed up I was.
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