I Am Still A Mess!
Good morning! Thanks for reading my stories about motorcycles and riding. As you all know by now, they are very important in my life and I will continue to argue that they have saved my life in many ways. But back to the underlying story of struggle and real life!
If you have just joined us, I am a moron who came dangerously close to ruining everything in my life by having an affair. I struggled with depression, thoughts of suicide and was even diagnosed as being bipolar at one point. I turned to alcohol, prescription drugs, and sex as a coping mechanism. I was a mess, to say the least, and my amazing, beautiful, kind and unconditionally loving wife showed me the way back to sanity through God and forgiveness that I didn’t deserve. You can visit all of that in my past posts if you want to read the nasty details. After I hit the absolute bottom of myself I began to dig my way out through prayer and motorbikes. Ruth began to forgive me and things have been looking up, at least in the recent posts!
The reality is that, while things were repairing and I was working hard to fix the disaster that I had created I was still struggling like a one armed paper hanger to stay on the right path. A lot of stories of redemption and healing seem to end with the struggler (me in this case) finding God, turning from their sin and everything being shiny and happy. Well I am here to tell you that isn’t the case with me and my life. I am still in the fight of my life every day. It gets a little easier and I gain ground against my enemies but evil and destruction are around every corner. I am tempted sexually, I want to self medicate, I’m dying to just check out sometimes. I don’t handle stressful situations the right way all the time. I say hurtful things, I make a complete ass out of myself to my wife, kids, friends and customers. I am still a complete and total mess! My days aren’t always sunny and bright, it is a major struggle to smile, get out of bed, and go to work. I hate the way I look, I can’t stand my own thoughts sometime. I am still in debt from bad decisions. BUT…
Now, instead of giving into all of those demons all of the time, I have a higher purpose guiding me. I know a lot of you might disagree with my faith and think that it sounds hokey and stupid but I am here to tell you that God is real, He does care about each and every one of us, and miracles happen everyday! I am going to stop this post now because I want to dive into the struggle again and illustrate what a real life looks like as it is being repaired. It has taken me years to get to the point of wanting to share this with anyone and I thank each and everyone of you for following along with me. If you don’t know by now, one of my goals with this blog is to spread reality into our perfect little social media world. To throw rocks in the glass house, to break down barriers that we have built to protect ourselves from real life!
Thanks so much for reading! Thanks for letting me take a brake from the tough stuff for a bit. It’s coming back now!!
Today I am grateful for Summer sun, dirt bikes and Ruth Spradling (The single greatest woman on earth)!
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