Good morning again, I am sorry for the short hiatus but I was fortunate enough to get to spend spring break with my crazy, silly boys so I took the week off of writing anything and it was nice. We did a crazy blitzkrieg trip to California to ride dirt bikes and play on beaches. It was awesome. I don’t normally get to take spring break because it is the super busy time at the shop but my wife was out of town working so it was my duty to provide fun and I think I did a pretty good job. Anyway, back to the train wreck that was, and still sometimes is, my life.
You will remember from the last post that I had just come to grips with the fact I was addicted to my pain meds. Fortunately I saw it for what it was and stopped taking them right away. While that was the obvious choice to get free of the narcotic, it was hell! My leg was healing and getting better but it wasn’t pain free by any means. I was so conflicted and confused. I wanted freedom from the pain of my leg so I could go to work but I also didn’t want to end up a junkie, walking the streets looking for my next hit. We stocked up on Tylenol and Advil and I gritted it out. My days were pain and my nights miserable. I would work all day on my knee scooter thingy, come home exhausted, pour a drink, sit down and be worthless. You heard that right, I kicked my nasty narcotic habit and replaced it with the socially acceptable drinking habit. That was a great trade!
I have never considered myself an alcoholic but I have also used the dull buzz of a good cocktail to numb the stress and pain of life more than I really should and this was no exception. Following a short break from the fire water after the affair my wife and I had started out cocktail ritual again. We would come home, make a drink, make dinner, I would make another drink for myself, have dinner, and I would make another for a nightcap. That’s 3 (really strong, if I am honest) drinks most nights. I am pretty sure that if I had been honest on any of the little doctor questionnaires about alcohol consumption that I would have been in the “problem” amount of alcohol but fortunately I have control over the pen when I am filling those out. All of the pain and work and alcohol made for a pretty worthless Morgan. I wasn’t falling down drunk and I was getting good work done at the shop but I wasn’t living up to my potential and I definitely wasn’t going to win any awards for best husband or father.
You only have so many units of energy every day I call them braps (for obvious reasons). Some of us have more braps than others and some have less but each of us only has certain amount everyday and when you have used them up, they are gone until you go to sleep and re-stock. You can raise the amount of braps with healthy living, exercise and good sleep and you can lower your threshold by drinking, stressing, losing sleep and other things that sap energy. While I was healing from my injury I was already spending a bunch of my small number of braps on pain and work then I was squandering the rest with alcohol and stress so I didn’t have any extra to give to my wife and family. Sure I wasn’t cheating anymore but I wasn’t giving my best self to my family either. But through all of this I WAS praying. I was begging God to help me, to make me a better person, to give me strength. I wasn’t feeling it but things were changing, just very slowly.
Thanks for joining me again after my break. I hope that today finds you all well and rested. I hope you all have a full compliment of braps and that you use them wisely. Have a great day and like always if you need to reach out for any reason, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
Today I am grateful for warm weather, breakfast burritos and motorbikes!!
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